


Merlin the Great Physician

by kathrikat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, horrible writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 08:05:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathrikat/pseuds/kathrikat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gaius has passed and now it is up to Merlin to take his place, and live his life as the new physician, along with taking care of Arthur, and hoping his memories are forever etched into history.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merlin the Great Physician

_June, 18th_  
_For these past few days, I shall write for a dear old man that is now departed with the Earth and land itself. With magic, the one and true thing him and I knew. I do not know what to do without him anymore, for now I have no one to guide me, no one to tell me that I was foolish to let myself go._  
_He taught me to follow my instinct, be who I am but be wary of things in life. In my heart I believe that it's unfair, all of the things that have happened in the past few days. With Gaius, just, gone._  
_Dying just a few days ago, meaning that I wasn't woken up with a list of chores to do thrown at my face bright and early in the morning, no, I was woken to a panicked Arthur shaking me, calling my name over and over and a cold, dead, Gaius on his bed._  
_I know now that there will always be a ringing in the back of my mind, a longing knowing that I never got to say goodbye. The last words I remember him saying to me were probably "Fool" and me telling him "Goodnight", not even knowing that that would be his last, and for that, Gaius, I am truly sorry._

 

Merlin shut the small journal Gaius had gotten him so long ago. He had never known what to fill it with. Facts? Medicine? Those things had never really mattered to him before, but now they mean more than ever. For now he would fill it with whatever he wished, his own thoughts and findings like with what Gaius did in his. All of his. All of the books that lay upon the shelf were once Gaius' or a physician before him, and now Merlin would follow in their footsteps. Treading carefully and lightly into the vast unknown. He had a lot to learn for one so wise. But not today.  
  
For once, Arthur had given not only him a break, but the people that were close to Gaius a break as well, and apparently that excluded himself. In fact, Arthur worked more than ever now that Gaius is gone. It pushed him and made him move forward no matter how much he wished to reside in the past. It made him feel more than ever. He was glad that Arthur was like that, how he could move on with ease. How Merlin wished that he was like that, but instead he sat at the table where the great physician Gaius himself once sat and continued to mope, even though he knew that death doesn't always mean goodbye. It was just the fact he never got to say it that made the fury prickle under his skin and rush eagerly through his veins.

  
Merlin almost didn't go to the banquet hall the next day. He refused to celebrate Gaius' death. But eventually Arthur pushed him through and made him go, he said that there was going to be a huge announcement and that he just _had_  to be there.  
  
So he went.  
  
But he didn't eat. He merely sat and listened and watched from the sidelines, taking note of everyone's movement, the way they didn't even seem to care that he was gone. And eventually, the low rumble of confidence and authority that resonated in Arthur's voice rang throughout the banquet hall, gathering all eyes and hears attention, not only because he was the King, but because he was respected to all.  
  
"I know how hard Gaius' death has been to some of us," he glanced at Merlin,"But everything must come to an end at some point, that is how we live, and we must all move on in these times. So, as some of you might know, a new court physician has been appointed. He's a complete idiot but hardworking and I believe him to be an excellent choice. Most of you here know him as," he coughed for affect,"Merlin."  
  
All eyes were on him.  
  
He smiled as people applauded and hugged him in rejoice, but it was not real. It was fake, fake as he himself was, as empty as the shell he was.  
  
Once this nightmare was all over, he would have to work tomorrow. Work as if he were Gaius, along with making sure Arthur wasn't being killed 24 hours of the day and having the weight of both their destinies on his shoulders.  
  
I guess things weren't gonna change much.

  
_June 19th_  
_I have decided to write in this everyday, or at least try. Camelot has only become more lonely in these past few days. I have felt like I have become more wise from the overwhelming sadness inside of me. More, understanding. A sickening thought had ran through my head today, I had tried to sleep in, thinking that Gaius would wake me. Can you believe that? Nor could I._  
_It's so silly, all of this, everything that has happened. I knew that Gaius, would, in fact, die someday. I just didn't think with all of the adventures we've went through it would be from old age. Sometimes I still feel his presence here, roaming the castle, like a type of longing. Or maybe it's just me longing for him to come back and tell me how stupid I am. Tell me to clean out the leech bowl, or something. If only there was a way to bring that old man back. But perhaps it is time for me to move on. Those 10 long years were the best I've had, Gaius._

  
    The young warlock looked down at the now shut, book. It's brown cover glistening the color gold just like the very magic that ran through him, as it sat in the sun. He didn't have time to waste though, there was much work to be done. He had no idea how Gaius did it.  
Although, hard work could get you anywhere, he knew this well. The work could wait for a while, though. Merlin wasn't going anywhere.  
He sat back in his chair, resting his legs on the table, his hands lightly clasped, and the way sun was hitting him just right, was all beauty in itself. It made him burn bright and let his very being run free. When he was like this it made him feel confident, appreciated even.  
It made him feel like the very Kilgharrah himself would bow before him in fear. The way the ice and fire and pure rage was seeped into him and was shown at all times, though he was able to keep it hidden when he could. But you see, this rage, this storm if you will, kept him going, and boy did it scare him to death. If you scared yourself, that is when you know you are true fear itself, and should make damn well sure that others not only bowed down to you, but were afraid as well.  
But, even if Merlin knew this, he would continue to keep quiet. Continue to never take credit for anything that he did, and remain a nobody.  
Nobody, but the court physician.

  
A quiet voice interrupted his organized thoughts.

"Merlin?" He looked up at them, making eye contact and nodded to their question.  
  
"Arthur has become ill, and he keeps calling for you."

Nothing would ever get him up as fast as that sentence did. The way all that rage and confidence seemed to disappear and be replaced with fear itself. To be replaced with anxiety.  
  
He grabbed Gaius' old medicine bag, filling it with everything he could think of.  
  
"You're only going to his chambers you know that?"  
  
"Yes, but I want to have everything with me. That's what Gaius would do."  
  
Gwen nodded curtly, and went off, Merlin following behind her.  
Of course _Arthur_  would have to be his first patient.

  
"Will he be ok?"  
  
"Of course, he will. He always is isn't he?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose. But it still makes me worry."  
  
He smiled at her, this time it was genuine, even though he could not tell what was going on with Arthur. There was nothing in the worn, tattered books that Gaius had left behind about any of this.  
  
He would have to face this alone.  
  
"Well that's Arthur for you. Do you mind getting me some fresh water for his fever?"  
  
"I'll be right back."  
  
All alone with his magic, that is. If he could not find a cure, he would have to do this himself.  
  
He muttered the familiar words under his breath, "Þu fornimest adl fram guman," watching as Arthur began to heal, Gwen came back.  
  
"I don't know what you did, but he looks better already. You must be fated to follow in Gaius' footsteps."  
He scoffed, "Oh please, don't be daft. I'm not that good. I'm just doing what he taught me."  
  
"Well, I must go, Morgana will definitely need me."  
  
"Of course."  
  
And off she went, that hardworking girl, leaving him to return to his duties as not only a physician and a manservant, but as a warlock as well.

 

_June 20th_  
_Today I awoke feeling much better knowing that Arthur was safe. I lied to Gwen about knowing Arthur's illness. It was some sort of disease, but I didn't have the antidote, and I didn't know what else to do. I panicked and just used the only thing I knew how to, my magic. Gaius would've never panicked. I just feel like I could never be a good physician like Gaius, I feel as though my magic is where my horizon of knowledge ends, and where it will always end. For the magic that courses through my veins will always be apart of me and I will always be apart of it, till my life departs into the next._  
_But, until then._

  
While he shut the book, the aroma of flowers settled in him. The dust particles flew about the room. The sound of scraping could be heard, the scraping of something against leather. It was with the utmost precision. Swirls and edges appeared across the front page, coming from seemingly no where, gold eyes burning with calmness and admiration. And if you could see it, you would see that those swirls and edges were letters and that the more you looked more would appear. All of them morphing together to form one name and one name only;  
  
Merlin.  
  
Although some would beg to differ that, if you look further, and deeper beyond that, the letters formed a different name, one that all who bore magic and were one with the land knew, and THIS name was;  
  
Emrys.  
  
And even then there was another name. Another name for those who held love in not only their minds, but their hearts, could see that it was addressed to someone. Someone who was special and who Merlin held close to him, to those it would read;;  
  
To the Once and Future King, Arthur.  
  
Three names, etched into his being and anyone could see it differently, including you and I. What we would read it as in our minds, well, we'll never know. All we know is what is written, is what Merlin feels truly deep inside him. That leather bound book never strayed from him, it had his life writings in it and he would never let it out of his sight. You would have to pry it from his cold, dead hands in order to take it, for that is what he intended. His destiny was sealed inside and out that thing, as if his very soul lay in it.  
Not like it mattered. Once he was gone, everything in that book would mean nothing, not to anyone. For all his secrets and findings would be read long after he was gone. I mean, after all, what are a dead man's secrets worth?

  
The nightmares had returned again.  
  
  
They left him tossing and turning in the dead of night. Sweat, glistening from the moonlight. Objects could be seen thrown about the room, his magic on overdrive.  
Images of loved ones dying. All of them at his hands. Sometimes he would wake up groaning in silent agony from the mental pain he felt.  
  
It was killing him.  
  
He tried several remedies, but none of them worked, they pushed and prodded and laughed at his broken heart.  
  
No matter how hard he tried to stay strong, his mental state was starting to show up on his outer appearance.  
  
He refused to sleep, not wanting to have those terrible thoughts run about his head. He quit eating, for it was simply a waste of time in his now much more busy life.  
  
Arthur even began to question him. He showed up at of the blue in the physician chambers.  
  
"Merlin? Have you been well?"  
  
"Yes, sire. I am perfectly fine, is there anything you need me for?"  
  
"No, it's just, your eyes, they have dark circles, blacker than I've ever seen them, and you look even more thin than usual."  
  
"Sorry to make you worry, but I am still going, all is well as far as I know."  
  
"I thought-, well, if you think you're fine then who am I to judge? You are after all the court physician now. If you aren't too busy, you should go and polish my armour."  
  
"Yes sire."  
  
And off he went.

 

 _June 25th_  
_Things have only gotten worse. I look terrible, I hardly let anyone see me, for not even I can look at my reflection. Instead I mostly stay in my chambers and get up at night to do cleaning work for Arthur. I have begun to eat again, but only a piece of bread here and there. Nothing of nutritional value.The days have started to blur together, nothing of real importance has happened lately, and I have no idea what to write about anymore, my thoughts have become the same everyday, so I have nothing to say. Not anymore._  
  
His tender hands shut the book closed as he lay on his bed, staring at nothing but the hard ceiling.  
  
A soft knock was heard at the door and he scrambled to hide the book under his pillow as he tried to make himself look decent.  
  
He let out a scratchy "Come in." as his best friend came into view.  
  
"Merlin, you look, terrible. Are you sick?"  
  
He knew he should just come out with how terrible he's been feeling these past few days, to just tell him and get some help. Let Arthur help him for once, and yet.  
  
"I'm fine, I swear. There's nothing to worry about."  
  
"Oh, don't give me that! You act like I'm nothing more than your King! You won't let me help you, I mean have you even looked at yourself?!"  
  
Merlin merely sat there, staring down at the striped wooden floors, refusing to make eye contact with Arthur.  
  
"Look, you should come and dine with me tonight, and we can discuss whatever is wrong with you there. And you WILL eat, you shouldn't starve yourself like you have been."  
  
"You can-"  
  
"Of course I can tell, you're more scrawny than usual, and the work that's usually done hasn't been. People have told me they haven't seen you come out of here for days, and it's  
time for that to change, come on now, let's go."  
  
"Right now?"  
"No I just came up here to _actually_ check up on you."He smiled sincerely, "Of course right now, idiot."

  
Arthur took him to his so called 'place', which was set deep in the woodland, at the top of a hill, and looking over it, you could see all of the land. Every house and cottage, every person fumbling about trying to sell or buy things. The flags of Camelot were laced about, flapping in the wind. And the setting sun hitting the castles just right, made its appearance seem as if all were ablaze in beauty, and it was.  
  
Arthur inhaled deeply, feeling the cool summer breeze rush inside him, and rush out just as quickly.  
  
"Now Merlin, since I have showed you one of my secrets, I only wish for you to tell me what is wrong."  
  
"Nothing, Arthur, you're fussing over nothing. Besides, if I tell you now, what am I supposed to tell you at dinner?"  
  
"You're beginning to sound like me!" he breathed trying to flush his anger out,"That's how I know when something is wrong. You try to make it sound like you're fine, you try to cover up how you feel. That is something I know well, so don't think I won't just not notice when one of the friends I've known for the longest time," He looked up, at Merlin,"is suffering."  
  
Merlin took a breath as well, but it wasn't to flush the anger out, this time he was welcoming it.  
  
"You are telling me you have seen me suffer before, and you did nothing?"  
  
Arthur glared, not believing what Merlin had said aloud, for he did not, could not believe that there were times when Merlin was suffering and he could not see it.  
  
"No, I am not, apparently, I did not know that you were before."  
  
He felt like he shouldve though. Best friends are supposed to know those kind of things right?  
  
I guess he never _would_ know.

 

Merlin dined with him that night.

It was probably one of the best nights he had experienced in a while, for the kingdom was at peace, and that meant his King was safe, for now anyway.

 

 _June 27th_  
_Today I woke up and looked at the world more closely than usual, for Arthur taught me how._  
_He showed me his 'special' place, though I could never show him mine. It is much too embarrassing. It is a place that I keep close to my body, my mind, my heart, my, soul. It is a room deep inside that holds all the important things, all the important memories that I need, and will always only ever need. Where flowers grow and, curl and bend, an eternal garden just for me. Many deep memories and thoughts reside there. So you see, that is why it is embarrassing, for it is filled with memories of him._  
  
He shut the book, looking up at today's sky that was bruised with a smokey grey, the rain pouring down on the castle ceiling and emanating a nice ring thoughout. He had always loved the rain. Loved the smell of everything afterwards. And the way the thunder boomed above as lighting struck the land far away, handed out to the Earth from Þórr himself.  
It was funny how none of this made him feel small, as it should. In fact, it made him feel his most powerful. He opened the window in his bedroom with caution, the wind and rain coming down as if it were the lands' tears, and began to use magic.  
  
He made swirls in the rain, letting it twist and rotate all the way down, till it settled and soaked into the now muddy Earth. It filled him with peace, let all his worries and anxieties just drfit away with it.  
  
He formed a water Lion, growling at the rain it was created from. It reminded him of Arthur, for he always complained about the rain, especially in the fall. But even in spite of it, he would continue to work, and work hardin the days to come.  
  
Looking down, he could see Arthur now, rain pelting him and making hard 'clinking' sounds as it hit his armour. Him and the nights trained hard, rain wasnt going to stop them.  
He should be down there with them, but Arthur releaved him of that when he became court physician. He never understood why, though. Did he not think he could take care of himself? Did he not think he could handle so many jobs? Oh he would show that Arthur.  
  
And he did, like the fool he was.  
  
He ran out there in the soaking rain, just so he could be their target practice.  
  
"Merlin! What the hell are you doing out here?!"  
  
"I'm doing my job!"  
  
"But, this isn't your job anymore, remember? Or is your memory failing you as well as everything else?"  
  
"No, clotpole, I _want_  to be the target."  
  
"Nobody wants to be the target, you ass. Are you an idiot?"  
  
"Well, I guess I am!"  
  
Merlin walked across the soaked field, letting the familiar sheild rest into his hands.  
  
"Are you all ready?!" He called out to them, preparing himself to run. The knights we're all ready. They acted as if this we're just another day. However Arthur, wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea.  
  
"No Merlin, you should go back inside. If you get sick from this, then who will take care of your careless self?"  
  
"We can face that if the problem comes along, now go!"  
  
And with that, he began to run.

 

_July 1st_  
_I have now realized that I have completely broken my promise in writing in this everyday. It's just somedays, nothing happens, or I am too tired to write. Sometimes I look at the pages, and they are as blank as the days that I have lived. Perhaps I can do something so I do not miss a day of writing ever._  
_Also, Arthur is still a clotpole._

As Merlin shut the book, he decided to go with being able to share his memories with it, connect them to it, to be able replay it, and watch it through his eyes, over and over until the end of time. It made him think, who would see it? Who would look through this book an experience the same heart felt things that, he too, felt? Or would they even feel the same as he did? About the world and magic? About Arthur?

He could hear someone calling his name in the distance, it was Arthur.  
It was always Arthur.  
He stood up brushing himself off, and headed for his chambers.

 

Many days have passed since Merlin has written, in fact, many years. He liked to think of it as a hiatus of sorts, but really, to him, life wasn't the most exciting thing in the world. Sometimes he actually wished that something bad would happen, just for the adventure.  
But nothing like that would happen, for Arthur would be marrying soon, or so they say. He's been trying to find a bride, but no one knows if he really has or not.  
  
Apparently tonight there was going to be a big announcement in the banquet hall addressing the whole issue. Rumour has it he finally found a bride, but Merlin could never believe that.  
  
Someone actually _wanting_  to marry _Arthur_? He never knew of a person. (actually, he did, it was him)  
He couldn't wait to hear what Arthur had to say.

 

This was more of a dinner with the knights and Arthur, (which he's done on more than one occasion, in the woods might I add), than a usual banquet feast. Which meant that something highly important was going to be discussed, or something incredible bad. There were no other options.  
After dinner is when that (beautiful) voice of his spoke up, the clinging of a spoon against his chalice resonating and gathering everyone's attention, as his voice just wasn't enough anymore.  
  
"Today I have gathered you all here today to discuss my marriage. And that I have not, nor will I choose a bride. Is that clear?"  
Leon spoke up, "But you could have any girl of your choosing in this land, sire. You do understand you need an heir?"  
"Of coarse I understand, but I do not wish to force marriage upon these women." He paused looking at all of them,"Do not take the wrong idea, they all are very beautiful, I just do not have interest in any of them nor do I love them."  
  
"But sir-"  
  
"But nothing. You see, love is formed over time, an unbreakable bond, and then you marry them to ensure that bond even more. It is with trust, and emotional connection, not just some petty way to make allies, that is something I will never do in my reign. If I absolutely need an heir, I will adopt a child."  
  
"May I ask why you dont want to marry?"  
  
Arthur let out a deep sigh, and turned away, "Because I cannot marry the one I truly love, and that is all. Now please, all of you, leave."  
  
Merlin never did find out who this 'true love' was.  
  
Never.

 

Arthur eventually adopted a child, a cute little thing. The villagers said it was a 10 month old child, that was left at the door step. It had the most beautiful brown eyes, that reminded Merlin of fall and hair that looked as if it were made from the fire itself. Flames that always seemed to be stuck to Arthur's clothing, armour, everything that he owned.  
  
Sometimes Arthur even found it in his food. He at first, would be irritated, but once he looked up and saw his child, he would merely laugh, tears forming in his eyes as he did so.  
  
Arthur had them named Caelyn.  
  
That child was beautiful, and would, no doubt, be a great leader, just like their father.  
  
Merlin was the one who took care of the child, when Arthur was about. In other terms, Merlin became the babysitter, and was dubbed so, as he should be.  
  
Yes, he could deal with children. In fact, in his first week in Camelot he spent most of his days helping and playing along with the children. Sitting in the sun and letting them dress him up and fix his hair in whatever way they wished. He loved children.  
  
But, a baby was a completely different story.  
  
It would cry at the most difficult of times in the morning, practically waking everyone in the castle, including Merlin. Not only at night, but all hours of the day.  
Sometimes when he had the child at night, he could hear it's softer cries, as if it were hiding something. He could tell it had a nightmare.  
  
He spoke out to it in another tongue, a language that is only used by those born with it.  
"éadnesse.", he hushed the child, only setting it down once he knew the nightmares were gone, and it was at peace.  
  
It was an endless process, taking care of the child.

 

  
Eventually something bad did happen, and yes it was by magic. Someone reigning over magic as if it were their own, when really, magic belonged to land and has been here much longer than any creature to exist. But when you and magic are one in the same, it's hard for it not to be under your control, and whether or not that control was good, or bad, well, that was would always be up to the user.  
  
And this caster, decided that making the crops unable to grow here, was a pretty good idea. It made the kingdom at its weakest as they all slowly, starved. Being handed out the only rationed food they had left.  
  
It was misery to say the least.  
  
And in the end, it was Merlin to save the day. It was _always_  Merlin.  
  
Yet no one would ever know.

 

 

Of course there had to be another.  
  
The dark, ominous night was not only the perfect setting, but the perfect plan.  
  
A sound was pushing aganst Merlin's barrier of sleep, not exactly breaking through, but still annoying enough.

It made his eyes slowly but surely peek open, his surroundings becoming all too real.  
  
That annoying tid-bit was knocking, barely audible, but still there. He was wary for no one he knew would just keep knocking like this, they would come in and wake him up, speak to him.  
  
But perhaps it was someone he didn't know.  
  
He approached the door,the rain that was hitting the window giving off a nice glimmer effect. He could hear footsteps scurring away from the door, vague but they were there.  
Merlin swung the door open, prepared for anything, but there was nothing. No one's scary glare, or an axed murder, no instead, on the floor was a small bundle. Tiny arms reaching out to him, as if to say, 'pick me up', it's fine-looking brown hair, glistening.  
  
He looked left and right down each corridor, but all he got was the shift of a shadow of something he'd never be able to catch up with. He thought quickly before muttering "I shall call you Ainsley."  
  
Baring the weight of one child was hard enough, but two?  
  
Why must his destiny only worsen?

 

 

He had told Arthur of the previous nights occurence the next morning. Arthur had told him he could have it put in a good family, but Merlin insisted that he just take care of it himself.  
  
There was something about Ainsley that made Merlin so attached to it, but he didn't know what.

Perhaps it was the way it looked, kind eyes that shone with gentleness, and delicacy. As if the world and it were one, as if they held the entire universe in the lines of its skin, and the universe merely obliged, for they were both, one and the same.  
  
Ainsley, reminded Merlin, of himself.

 

 

Strange things began to happen, when the dark haired child turned one. Objects, would move on there own, and it only left him thinking how was that possible?  
  
Ainsley would still have nightmares, he could tell, for when it was scared or frightened, and it cried, things about the room would move wildly, and frantic.  
It was then he knew, that Ainsley bore magic, and that he would have to protect them at all costs.

 

 _September 15th_  
_The children have been getting older. I've taken care of both of them for a long time, only Arthur's child was taken back once he got into the swing of things again, and when he could properly train it. And I myself, kept the Ainsley as if they were my own child. I have taught them about medicine, and more recently, magic. It wasn't on purpose, though. I didn't plan to teach them until later. But they caught me making firgues and shapes from the water absent mindely as I do, and wanted to learn. So I obliged._  
  
With that, Merlin shut the book.

 

He stared at the little 12 year old, short, brown hair curling around their features and light skin glimmering in the lighting.  
  
"Merlin?"  
  
"Yes, Ainsley?"  
  
"Why does Caelyn never want to talk with me?"  
  
"Well, they have much to learn, and must spend as much time with their father as possible."  
  
"Oh, it's just they seem kinda snobby sometimes, just because they're the King's kid! Sometimes, it makes me mad, and kinda, envious."  
  
"That's understandable. When I first met Arthur, I thought he was a pompous prat, but I later learned that not everything meets the eye."  
  
"Merlin, you're doing it again."  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"Talking to me in riddles. You know I don't understand that stuff, you sound as if the only advice you've ever gotten was from a dragon or something."  
  
Merlin laughed.  
  
If only they knew.

 

The children were both in theyre 30s now. All grown up, and more beautiful than ever. They had been taught many things, brought down different lives, but they were in fact,  
both sides of the same coin.  
  
Merlin, was in his 60s, and becoming quite sick. Not even he, knew what it was. Perhaps _this_  was his destiny, to die of an illness that could not be cured, not even by the greatest sorcerer to ever live. This illness made him feel not only helpless, but weak. Not even being able to use his magic? The one thing that he knew would always be there?  
It made him frustrated to say the least.  
  
The children were worried for him, for he had taught them to love, and show compassion. Be gentle and kind, and let the anger rush from you when you are fighting for what you think is right. While Arthur, had quite literally shown them how to fight. He taught them discipline, and obedience, but also how to be brave, and loyal. Those two kids, would be great leaders, each in their own way.

 

Merlin decided to visit Arthur for the next couple of days, not like it mattered. With him this sick he would be gone soon enough. His only regret is not telling Arthur of it. Even in the end, Merlin was a coward, he knew Arthur had always been right.  
  
The two of them sat in Arthur's chambers, eating in the candlelit room, talking about better times. Times that reside in the past.  
  
Arthur laughed,"Remember when you first walked through the gates of Camelot and I just about took your head off with a mace?"  
Merlin smiled,"How could I forget? Like you said, you almost took my head off!"  
  
"We really hated each other didnt we?"  
  
"Definitely."  
  
"What did you think of me back then?"  
  
Merlin hesitated, thinking for a moment.  
  
"Come on, it's not like I'll be offended."  
  
Merlin didnt want to but he blurted out, "I thought you were an over muscled, self indulgent, stingy, prissy, and narcississy, jackass. All wrapped up in a fancy metal can that you call armour."  
  
"Quite the description."  
  
"You wanted me to be honest."  
"True. And since we _are_  being honest here, when I first met you, I thought you were a foolish, clumsy, idiot, that had no idea what he was doing."  
  
"Well, I guess things haven't really changed between us, huh?"  
  
Arthur's forehead wrinkled in thought, "I guess that are personalities haven't changed, but I don't really think that _nothing_  has changed us. Do you get what I'm saying?"  
  
"I suppose. What you're saying is that, the journey's and adventures we have faced, has not only changed our minds, and bodies, but our hearts as well, even though our silly behaviour deep down hasn't changed at all. I like to think that a person can change how they look, sound, and think a million times over, but in the end, they will always end up being their true selves."  
  
When Merlin looked up, he was brought face to face with the most intrigued Arthur he's ever seen. As if Merlin had never spoken like that before or something.  
  
  
"You probably don't realize this Merlin, but you're the most wise person I've ever met. But you're also a complete idiot."  
  
"Well I'm completely aware of both, Arthur. Especially the later. But I don't really like to think of myself as wise, more like, thoughtful, or, for lack of a better phrase, nothing but a  
simple man. I would _never_ think of myself as high and mighty, nor wise."  
  
"Well if you can't see that you are, then you really are quite an idiot."  
  
That conversation went on for hours, the two of them talking about their past and even their future. And Merlin left Arthur's chambers, thinking of how he would definitely see him tomorrow, and they would talk and laugh and enjoy themselves like they always did.  
  
How wrong Merlin was.

 

  
When Merlin awoke that next day, he didnt bother asking what day it was, for he knew that he didnt have much time. He could feel all his energy wasting away, although his magic remained. It always did. It would be there forever, and when he finally took that final breathe, it would be kept and protected, passed along to another one of great intent.  
  
He would continue to work as he always did, and pretend that today was just another day, for death would _never_  mean goodbye to him.  
  
He worked and worked and worked, he even helped his kid, well grown up kid. He showed him a secret that he has kept for a long time.  
  
"I want to show you something."  
  
"Alright, where are we going?"  
  
"Just into the forest for a bit, but you musn't tell anyone of this encounter, understand?"  
  
"Yes." They were silent for a moment, but even a moment was too much silence for them, "What are you going to show me?"  
  
"Has anyone ever told you, you ask too many questions, Ainsley?"  
  
The kids' voice suddenly dripped with sarcasm, "You Merlin, you tell me that all the time. I just like to know things! Knowledge is power you know?"  
  
"Not only knowledge, but magic as well. Now be quiet."  
  
His voice sounded fake to him, out of power, beginning to fade away just like everything else. But even then, he began to speak in a tongue that he would know and that only he would know, for he was the last one.  
  
"O drakon, e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!"His voice emitted a roar, like that of a dragons. He looked at his now frightened and concerned kid, and was filled with satisfaction as he saw the white winged creatue known as Aithusa come from the sky.

"Why did you never tell me you were a Dragonlord?"  
  
Merlin froze, Ainsley shouldn't know that term, but he did, which meant maybe, by some game of fate, his powers were going to be passed onto Ainsley.  
  
"You never asked!"  
  
Aithusa was much older now, not a hatchling anymore, but not exactly a great dragon just yet. He and Ainsley stayed out there for quite some time and when they returned,  
  
Merlin was more weak then ever.  
  
  
"Are you ok Uncle Merlin?"  
  
"I'm fine, why don't you go and eat in the banquet hall with Caelyn? I'm sure they'd love it."  
  
"Alright, sure. As long as you're absolutely positive that you're ok?"  
  
"I'm ok, now off you go then."  
  
He watched Ainsley walk off, looking just like him when he was younger, and he was proud. He knew that they would be great, and would protect Caelyn just like Merlin with Arthur, they would have the best adventures together and memories that no one could forget.  
  
Merlin headed up to his chambers, and grabbed that old leather journal from his nightstand, a pencil in hand and looked down, at the last page. It was blank, blank as his mind, numb as his body, and was torn, like his heart.  
  
Even though he didn't know exactly how to say goodbye, he thought that writing whatever popped into his head would work.  
So that's exactly what he did, the scratching of a dull pencil against paper that was as tattered and old as Merlin, filled his ears, and he began to write.  
  
_No date, for I do not know._  
  
_The days are much foggier, and the wrinkles on my face have deepened more than ever. I remember the first couple of entries in this silly old thing, when I spoke about Gaius' death, and now I can feel my own approach me. This sickness taking over just about everything I do. It's getting harder and harder to breathe, and there is only numbness in me as I write._

 _To the children, I just wanted to say that I love you. The both of you, and that you should tell each other that more often, because each day you never know when you may never see them again. I know this especially well, now. The two of you are appreciated and loved, I only hope that Arthur is good to you once I'm gone, and may both your destinies, forever be intertwined with each other. Just, promise, that you'll always do one thing, that one thing being, protect one another, and have each other backs, always._  
_The last time I saw Arthur, was when we dined and such. I remember his face, how it was filled with wrinkles and scars, proving that the past IS real. It not only showed, that he has lived, and what life can do to a person, but it showed love and compassion, too. My only regret is that as I lay here I know that I am still a coward, still afraid to say what I've always wanted to say even in my last breaths. Just know that death is never goodbye in my book. Arthur, you were the best friend I've ever had, and the most bravest, loyal man I've ever met, even if you are a dollophead. You taught me things about myself that even I did not know, you taught me that I'm wise, appreciated even, and for that I am thankful. I only hope that I was not only a good enough servant, but a friend as well. I will love you always, and may are destines interlock, even in death._  
_-Love, but a simple man, Merlin_  
  
And with that, he simply shut the book, turning over slightly and slipping it into one of his nightstand drawers.  
  
That was the last time Merlin ever wrote in that book.

 

After the feast was when Arthur found out.  
  
It made him want to destroy every last piece of the Earth. For why did fate do this to him? Why?  
  
Leon had tried to stop him, only to get thrown to the side.  
  
"You must calm yourself! This isn't only hard on you, you know! I know that he was your best friend bu-"  
  
Arthur's eyes cast down on Leon, and further yelling ensued. "He wasn't 'just my best friend', he was so much more than that, and _you_  of all people could not, will not, _ever_  understand."  
  
For once Leon, was frightened of his king.  
  
"Remember when you wanted me to get married?" Leon frowned, not exactly sure why Arthur wanted him to remember something from so long ago. But he nodded anyway."Well that 'true love', was him, and I never got to tell him, do you have _any_  idea what that feels like? Do you have any idea what it feels like to know I would always tell him how much a coward he was? I couldn't even mutter out a single 'thank you', in the amount of time I was given with him." He let go, staring at the hard floor, thoughts running and running through his mind. "I guess in the end it is only I, who is the real coward."   
  
"That is not true, sire."  
  
"It is. Now get out."  
  
Leon scrambled his way out, not wanting to make Arthur more grief ridden than he already was.

 

Merlin's death was rough on not just the castle, but the entire kingdom.  
  
All of those kids he made smile, were now grown up, having to hear that that beautiful man, had died. But Ainsley had learned so much, so much magic and wonderful things about the universe from him, and now it was too late to say thank you.  
  
It left Arthur a broken shell of himself. He didnt want to do anything. He would get into angry fits of denial and depression. Arthur would forever remember that man. Merlin, the Great Physician, the physician who saved so many people, including Arthur himself in this lifetime.  
  
He refused to sleep anywhere else but Merlin's chambers, some saying they could hear him calling out to Merlin, but whether that was true or not, we'll never know.

 

Arthur would do anything to see Merlin's smile again. To see him clumsily clean up things, for him to just magically walk in bringing him one of his daily meals, but those days were long gone. Set in a time that seemed unreal even to him.  
  
And oh how he longed to go back.

 

The mumblings of Arthur Pendragon rebounded throughout the room, and eventually led up to yelling. Yelling and throwing things, that is what Arthur Pendragon had been lowered to. Throwing any and all objects, including drawers.  
  
A loud but simple thud, caught his foggy attention. Blurred by tears and grief, he could make out a string of words that we're etched into this old, leather book that layed against the wall, a string of words that reminded him of the past, and all the good and bad things that he had done throughout his life, it reminded him when he was first reigned as King, and it made his heart ache for the past. These string of words were not just old looking, as they may have seemed that way to everyone else, but to him, they were filled with love, and delicacy, to him, they were filled with life. And it said;  
  
To the Once and Future King, Arthur.  
  
It was addressed to _him_  of all people.  
  
He grabbed the delicate and fraile thing, the pages torn and frayed, sat on the bed, and began, to read.  
  
And maybe, just maybe, once he was done, it would change his mind on the matter, change his mind about Merlin, then again maybe it wouldn't. We wouldn't know, as, once he _was_  finished, he simply, shut the book.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Reviews are appreciated! I haven't written this much in a long time so I hope you enjoyed it!


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